your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
