you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
