Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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