im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
