I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
