I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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