I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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