Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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