i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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