saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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