you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
