and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i will never coherently bang her
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
