I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was born a porn star she said
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
