I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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