i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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