paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I faked an abortion last night.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
