How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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