Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
