I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
