I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
