My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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