I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize