Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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