girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
