how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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