On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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