this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
