Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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