I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
