I got chris browned last night
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
