Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I looked at my own cervix.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
