I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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