Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
