im six kinds of drunk right now
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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