She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
