Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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