I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We are all done wearing pants today
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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