If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
