that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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