I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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