Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
