I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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