ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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