So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Is Oprah even human
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize