A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
