Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
