You can't motorboat a personality
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We need to get me chipped asap
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