Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
