Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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