Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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