No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
