Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
