I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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