I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
