If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
