Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
