The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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