My first STD was from a foam party
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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