she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
