I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize