You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
