I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
