Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(917): View more from New York City

OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.

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(660): View more from Missouri

He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"

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(818): View more from California

two words...techno handjob

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(678): View more from Georgia

Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.

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(646): View more from New York

I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds

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(304): View more from West Virginia

when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.

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