yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
