i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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